@elmer5678 - first of all, I think it’s amazing that you are being so intentional in your parenting. It takes a lot of work just to do the basics and you are really striving for they “big win” (long term character), instead of just a quick win here.

It sounds like you are on the right track to seek professional support and since you have to wait for a therapist that meets with her - in the meantime you can have someone supporting your decisions!

I’m a licensed counselor who specializes in working with kids. I used to see kids directly but found there was a gap where parents weren’t getting support for moments exactly like this. And there is a lot that can change with her, through some shifts in how you are responding to her behavior. I hear your value of gentle parenting and that is awesome. You clearly do so much to support your kids emotionally and to show how much they mean to you. Also - there are often small tweaks you can make from what may be a bit of overly gentle parenting- to be sure you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the SAME time, to build more emotion-regulation, respect and responsibility (that many parents are missing).

If you’d like a free consult- let’s talk!

Https://calendly.com/sustainableparenting/30-min-free-clarity-call

Absolutely!! It’s too many things moving and changing - and I always mess things up at this time. Just yesterday I missed a time for tutoring that we had changed I felt so bad. ‍️

@WalmartGreeter I’m so glad you brought up this topic. Yes- I read it and yes, we are gonna wait till 16 for smart phones. Our son is 11 and only has a fit bit smart watch for calling and texting adults. So far so good. here is an interview I did with one of the experts pushing for phone-free schools in our city (and she shares lots of stats and facts - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sustainable-parenting/id1682538739?i=1000698883819

Hi @pinkpurse [To help transitions I think of these 4 steps:

A) connection first (come alongside and noticing what they have been playing with, or name it: "Boy! You have been having so much fun playing in this sand and building that castle. Look at it!",

B) Direct them to their "Last thing" when you have 2-5 min. left- like they say in Daniel Tiger's episode. This gives more empowerment and makes the child feel like they ended on the note THEY choose.: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6ve0cp,

C) Use tools that give choice/playfulness to encourage cooperation (from the "Empowering statements" handout: https://drive.google.com/file/d/114xMIG_i5SZv-OzZct_XclD11u9LUM4J/view?usp=sharing). This is CRITICAL. Instead of just saying "we have to go", put their brain on choices like, "should we skip or hop to the car?" "Do you want a squeezy or granola bar when we get to the car?" "Do you wanna go right side up or upside down?"

D) "2 roads" if needed. If they continue to not be motivated by all that - give a happy choice that has a happy result, vs. sad choice and sad result. Like: "well, you can go hopping or skipping, or I will hold your hand and help your body move to the car. You choose." (and if they don't start moving, then they have chosen for you to help them. The "sad road" could also be a privilege lost, or not being able to come to the park the next day, etc. I love the "What should Danny do" books to reinforce this idea in a way kids really like. https://www.amazon.com/dp/069284838X/ref=cm_sw_r_as_gl_undefined?linkCode=ml1&tag=sustainablepa-20![alt text]](link url)

Fruit smoothies with less water/milk can whip up and feel like ice cream. It’s one of my favorites.

@Love-Speaks I second all of your remarks and recommendations. ️🫶

Our kids are 9 and 11. They both started sleep-away camp between 8-9 years old.

I grew up going to summer camp, starting in 1st grade and went all through school, until college- when I worked as a counselor all 5 summers. I think camp is HUGE for fostering independence. So I would say - find out what kind of background checks and supervision is done of the counselors and just make sure u find one u feel comfortable with. The unfortunate truth is that our kids could have a situation of possible abuse anywhere. So it’s important to have some hard but clear conversations with the kids on sexual abuse prevention steps (like knowing that no one should ask to see their private or want to show theirs, etc). There are some great books out there to help with the conversation if it’s uncomfortable for you.

I hope you find a great place (like our family did).

We use a grid that has 6 spots of 1/2 hour squares, and the page is inside a sheet protector. The kids cross off when they use a half hour and manage it on their own (with some supervision). So we do that for a total of 3 hours during the week. And then 2 hours on each sat and Sunday.

Great question. I actually think there is a great middle option - which is to see this as “peer conflict” instead of bullying. Peer conflict is very normal AND something important to address with our kids. You can equip them with tools on how to respond when a child is saying or doing throngs that feel mean. It’s a good teachable moment for your child. If things aren’t changing with those tools - talking to a teacher to help them be aware and problem solve with them, can also help it improve most often with young kids.

I can walk u though some tangible ways to do that if u’d like help ; https://calendly.com/susparenting

https://www.resultswellnessandweightloss.com/ This woman prescribes through telehealth and does a great job!! She is a nurse Practitioner and has 15 years of experience in the health field.

I am a parenting coach and help families with this all the time. If you’d like a free consult - I’d love to talk about how coaching can help you make changes with the way you both communicate with each other. Https://calendly.com/susparenting

https://www.thelazygeniuscollective.com/cylc

Or https://twosleevers.com/instant-pot-butter-chicken/

Plus we use the “Mealime” app and it has super easy, healthy recipes and links to Safeway so u can easily do a pickup order of all the groceries! Def. Worth the paid subscription.

@Orange-Yak I completely agree with everything you said! 🫶️

I hate to go this direction- but if u have to buy something in order for her not to judge you - is she really a close friend? I say this with love (and of course bias - because I’m a therapist). Sounds like a great place to work on boundaries - and seeking friends who don’t judge you. ️️️

I definitely can relate. Here is a great article with 67 screen free things to do with your kids. https://www.afterbabel.com/p/67-screen-free-activities-for-kids

homemade playdough is one of my favorites! From 2-10, it has been a play thing that I also relaxing for me.

I totally hear you on this!! It is a common challenge. 1 free resources that might be helpful is a coach I know that specializes in helping couples: https://www.lindleygentile.com/

I wanna validate that most (if not all) moms struggle with this. So you are not alone mama. 🫶️🫶️.
As far as where to go from here - seek support! I know it’s often the last thing we moms do (thinking of helping ourselves) , but if Don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to help anyone else in our family. So whether it’s asking a friend to help you with the carpool, or having the in-laws watch your kids for a weekend, or seeking out a counselor or parenting coach, I hope you find the support you deserve

My son used to struggle with this a lot. We found if we kept to that sweet spot of not putting him to bed too late, they went away.

Hi @MotherShip I’m glad you asked about this. It sounds like he may be vying for more power/control in the world. It’s common at this age for kids to stop responding to “can you please…” or “hey. You need to…” if we are sort of making a lot of requests or corrections through the day. Some things that may help include:

1. Bringing him to the table - to get his ideas for how it can go better. Ie. “Hey. I notice you saying ‘no’ a lot. So what ideas do you have for how we can make those situations better?” (Note - he may ask you to stop nagging or something like that. If so - consider option 2)

2. arrive to come across a bit more like an equal, in making requests. Ie. “Hey. The table needs to get set. What part do you think you could help with and what part should I do?” “What ideas do you have for getting your room clean this weekend?”

3. May as many agreements in advance as possible. I find kids at this age are less likely to do things when asked in the moment- but more cooperative when it’s been agreed ahead of time. Is. If he has a daily chore and it is written on the fridge each day, or there is a container of chore options and he is asked to choose one each day - before tech or friend time, then when you are nudging him with a reminder it can sound more like, “remember- when you are done with the chore, u can absolutely head to your iPad” or “wait. I notice you are about to walk out the door and your chore isn’t done yet,”.

And here are few other thoughts on the topic : https://sustainableparenting.com/sassing-interrupting-and-pushing-boundaries-more-and-more/

Thank you so much for bringing up this question. Even though it’s probably been very uncomfortable to be unsure what to do - I appreciate your openness and vulnerability. As a licensed therapist , with a specialty in working with youth and parents- here are a few thoughts.

1. I think your maternal gut is an important one to listen to. And the fact that you are considering the option of talking it out feels very tuned in. Punishing does not stop behavior. It may be important to use some natural consequences, like not having them unsupervised or any sleep overs, but I think it’s often best to lead with getting curious, not furious.

If you are not sure how to have that conversation, I’d reach out to your pediatrician, as they may have local resources for you. Also I love the website : https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ Tons of great resources, books and articles there. This is also definitely seen as normal - u less there are some red flags: one of the two children being significantly older than the other, coercion or pressure from one child to the other, and problematic sexualized behavior that seems too advanced for curiosity within their age group. In this case, I’d recommend talking with a local therapist. Feel free to reach out if u wanna talk it through more.